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Saturday, September 28, 2013

September's Marginalia: The Hidden Sentiment. You.

As usual, a lot of things are on your mind. Cuz you are a contemplator. However, recently several thoughts are still lingering...

like stains on your favourite clothes.

They swallow your gleeful reveries. Cuz they are your unhappy memories. Worse, every single pouch that stores the unwanted montages is unwilling to let go of the feelings and emotions that come together with it. The pain, the dismay, the incredulity, crap indignation; all too real. Our brain is truly remarkably special isn't it? And of course, the people around you. The closer, the stranger.You know them for years, teens to twenties, schools to university and the life after. You feel like you can see through them. But, the more you see, the more you want to close your eyes. The 'closeness' is sometimes unnecessary cuz...

     they will use it as a poison,
       wipe it on their dagger and
            use it to stab your back, slowly.

Or are you the only one who feels that way?
Sometimes instincts are the best logic. But, which instinct should you trust?

You often find yourselves reminiscing. About the past. Something others would be curious about cuz they would be wondering 'Is this about me?' Only Allah knows everything.

Oh. Sometimes that very fact disappoints you tremendously too because whenever you want to tell the world something, you cant and there is nothing you can do. Only Him knows (or some of the friends whom you've shared the secret with). In the end, you remain as an angel with dirty face and the other person (s) manages to keep hiding behind the stolen halo and wings. And keep leaving stains on your face.

Humans. Me. You. We are. Actually, none of us are angels.

And lastly, the most annoying thing a human does is......repenting when it's too late. 'Sorry' could not put pieces of broken plate back together. But not doing so crushes it even more.

Another irksome thing is clinging onto the past. The happy memory. The moment you thought would last forever. You wish you could turn back time. And give a chance, or a hundred, to that person whom you once cherished and then obliviously abandoned. And then make that person realise how many times he/she appears in your dreams no matter whose heart you have at that time, and how you hide those butterflies in your stomach, hidden by your ego, whenever he/she suddenly says 'hi' to you after several MIA episodes. His/Her existence in your life is.....well I don't know. You know.

Am I writing about myself? Am I writing about other people? Is this written in a context that has got nothing to do with me but written so generally that it might apply to other people including you? Who knows. I'm not writing this to make myself look better. I am never better. Just, very good at writing crap. And procrastination. Feel free to wonder.

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